Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Truth

It's been on my mind a while, but I never said anything because I don't know what to do about it really.

I'm not "Me" anymore.

The reason I decided to actually post about this is because tonight I've been skimming through some old emails and found one written by a fellow blogger (Though I doubt she still reads my post after that email she sent me) telling me that since my book came out I've become different. She said I used to be funny and spunky and now I was some big headed speaker and writer who enjoyed being full of myself.

So she's not wrong. I like being full of myself. But serisously, I know what she means and I know why it happened.

When this blog began I was a kid. It was read by only my friends and those that weren't my friends had no idea who I was. I kvetched about chemo and talked miserably about those annoying chessed doers and said funny things to Santa Claus when he tried to give me X-mas gifts. And I was allowed to say all that, because who was I? I was just some anonymous stinker writing a blog.

Suddenly, I'm not anonymous anymore. And there's this pressure. This need to conform and this fear of saying all that stuff I used to, of being the pain in the neck teen I used to be.

But in real life I'm not this way, so it irks me.

Because in the life I really lead these crazy things are still happening to me and I'm still sassing back and enjoying every minute of it.

But I can't quite post on the blog how my son sings "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" every time I mention my mother-in-law, can I?

And I'm sure my husband would find it weird if I told you he knocked himself out by opening the car door while he was texting and hit himself on the head and needed me to drive his dizzy bleeding self to get stitches.

I could tell you how my sukkah blew away two weeks ago but not about the snooty conversation I had with the con-ed guy.

Cos now my blog is more real. And I'm afraid of hurting people and afraid of hurting myself.

It was very hard after Miracle Ride was published and people began judging me, the real me, for all the things I said there. I found this last year and a half I was busy defending myself to annoying readers who thought they had a right to judge me and my story. There were lots of compliments too, don't worry, but I'm sick of trying to be a nice normal girl for all the people who feel they have to comment all the time.

I miss the days where I could just rant to the world about my insane life. Cos my life is funny. Always good for a laugh. But now that you guys all know me, it's different.

But now I started finding my posts kind of boring. Like each one had to have a lesson, like I'm some sort of rebbetzin. In fact, someone so close to me started calling me "Rebbetzin" and it bothers me, because our friendship isn't the same as it was.

I want to be able to post funny stuff again, randomly, for no reason. Think you'd still read my blog if I did? Or would you call me a hypocrite or wishy washy or any of those other names people have called me in this last year and a half?

I'm afraid of being Me again. People think that I'm something I'm not and for the last year plus I've been trying to live to that standard but I can see it just aint working.

So I want to rewind. Go back to being that crazy person who never gets it right. My blog used to tell this story of my weird and funny life. Maybe I can do it again?

I sure wanna try, but I'm still not sure how to do it. Lots of what happens in my life involves real people and real emotions and I'm afraid of hurting them.

Bas-Melech, in a comment to my last post, congratulated me on rejoining the masses. Now I want to do so for real.

But I don't know how. And I need your advice. Please be kind.

And that's the truth.

12 comments:

Freeda said...

Go back to the old you- I love to just hear about your funny life... but if you want to be a rebbetzin once in a while, I won't object.

itsagift said...

I'll always take you the way you are! To me you never changed! You always were and will be the real you! The funny, crazy things still happen and you don't have to worry about other peoples expectations of you. You are who you are and you should be proud of it!
I hope all the bloggers and commenters feel the same way...

Brochi said...

Doesn't every person have myriads of facets to themselves. i think it's great that you can be so crazy, funky and cute but still appreciate the little and not so little things in life. i wondered why you kept your two blogs separate but noticed the rebbetzin strain in one and stinker one in the other. we are all a paradox. just feel comfortable with who you really are and TZIPI CATON DOES NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS ABOUT HER. MWHAAA (evil laugh) am i spelling it correctly. I love both yous.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I can relate very well to the "kvetching" about small things even though there have been bigger challenges in your life. After I survived a stillbirth (where I knew for most of the pregnancy that my baby wouldn't survive), I couldn't belive that the small stuff in life still irked me so badly. I thought that since I went through my big challenge and came out ok (pretty much), small things would be a breeze. But that's not how life works. We are all entitled to be normal and kvetch about silly things. My mother always tells me when I say I know I shouldn't be complaining but... "your not complainng, your just explaining". We are all entitled to vent and get symphathy for the challenges we confront no matter how big or small.

tembow said...

Go for it!
Can't wait to hear from the "real you."

sumptuously presumptuous said...

Oh, rubbish. You are not full of yourself. You have a very normal dose of confidence. And why are you looking through old emails when you could be writing me new ones? :P

I suppose I should start commenting more often to offset the occasional sheep?

Oh, and you'll never make everyone happy. There are always people who will criticize. Feel free to be the adorable nonconformist that you are. And maybe some people will judge you for it, but a whole lot more people will respect you and love you for it.

Goats FTW!

Anonymous said...

this is your blog which means you can post whatever you want but reading it over wouldn't hurt, just to make sure no feelings are hurt. that could really be a problem when someone's blog is open to anyone. but i know you can do it.

Adina said...

One of the few things I remember learning in HS is from Sefer Yonah which applies here. After Yonah told the ppl of Ninveh to do teshuva and they did, Yonah said to Hashem how he would rather die than live, etc. and it's understandable how he is so upset about how instantly they did teshuva compared to Bnai Yisrael. Then, fast forward to the end of the sefer when his kikayon tree shrivels up and he uses the exact same words about rather dying than living and he is just as upset about his tree dying as he was about a world issue! The teacher was saying how that's true for all of us when we get upset about a tragedy and then seem to be just as upset when something on a small scale happens too.

mikimi said...

I have no "life" so reading about others gives me a sense of reality at its best. Yeah a lot of us look up to you but its your witticism that keeps us glued to your blog.

halfshared said...

Just be you. Nobody has a right to judge other people, public or private, at all. You don't have to explain yourself or your actions to anyone. You're you and accountable only to yourself (and Hashem of course).

If something you say will hurt other people, then yes, it's a responsibility and you probably shouldn't share it on a public blog.

SIS said...

Go for it! I guess that's part of being in the public eye, you have to make the public eye happy as well. [I think Riva Pomerantz had a post about this?] But really, you don't have to, because you're never going to make everyone happy, so you might as well be.

the sabra said...

That's a frustrating feeling. I'm sorry and wish you luck managin it.
Derech agav, pretty pulse-fluttering to chance upon your blog, having read your book...