Setting Ourselves Free

I know I haven't posted in a while, just been way busy. Have another book in the works that had to get finished and then of course there is Pesach coming and my little munchkins who take up all my time.

But tonight I have some breathing room (please please please don't wake up for another twenty minutes till I finish posting!!!) so I figured it was only right to come here and post.

So here goes.

A few weeks ago my friend who comments here quite a bit, itsagift, sent me an awesome quote.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die."

This quote just hit me so hard I couldn't delete her email. I fell in love with the truth of it and the great message it had.

I wanted to blog about it for a while but I guess it's appropriate that it waited for now- right before Pesach.

You know, each of us have people in our lives who have hurt us and caused us some miserable times. They're hard to forgive and let go of. I know. I've had plenty of hurts myself.

But twenty years, or even twenty minutes after the event, when you're still smarting at what this person may have done to you, do you think they're thinking about you too? Do you think that all the years you wasted hating them and wishing things would have worked out differently are being hated and wished away by that other person as well?

I doubt it.

Once, I worked for someone who made my life a living hell for as long as I was their employment. I used to come home with stories and tears and literally shaking with anger after a day at work.

One Thursday, I had a fallout with my employer over something stupid. I was asking for advice on how to deal with a certain situation that had come up and was told quite bluntly that my employer believed that I caused the whole thing and that if I would not be "Me" then it never would have happened.

Understandably I got pretty upset and said that if my place of work would be a little more accommodating to its employees THEN it never would have happened.

So the boss tells me unceremoniously that if I really felt that way I should look for a new job.

I spent all Shabbos alternately seething and fuming and then crying and pouting.

Until my husband, wise man that he is (and no, I would not say this to his face but if he'd read my blog he's welcome to the compliment) asked me, "While you killed your entire Shabbos, and by the way, killed mine as well, do you think that your employer wasted even one second thinking about you?"

And then it smacked me over the head. No. She didn't. She couldn't care less about me. I was just a fly she swatted and walked away. Yeah, too bad for me that I was the fly left dying on the floor, but she COULDN'T CARE LESS.

And then I realized that I wasted a good 48 hours of my life on someone who didn't deserve those 48 hours of my life.

And it was over.

I left that job. I realized that this person not only didn't deserve my moping, she didn't deserve the time, effort, and the heart that I put into my job to begin with.

And for that I am a much happier person.

I still have to remind myself sometimes to stop driving myself crazy for people who won't even care, but it's a good thing to remember. Because in the end, by allowing myself to be miserable, I am HELPING that other person hurt me.

Imagine if the person who caused you all that pain knew how deeply it hurt you- that you were thinking about it and resenting it for years after. I can just hear the evil laugh. "I thought I could get her down for five minutes max, didn't dream I'd get it going for five years! I am gooood! MWAHAHAHH!"

LOL's aside, there's another aspect to this.

Forget people.

I get asked all the time how come I don't resent the years in my life that I suffered, missed out on being a regular kid, went through what no one should ever know of.

Well, I guess you can say I learned a good lesson. It's not worth it. Those were years that Hashem had planned for me. And as hard as they were, they were going to happen whether I liked it or not. They NEEDED to happen because I had to grow from them. And only those particular circumstances could have made me the exact person I am today.

And a little bigheadedness here- I LIKE the person I am today.

So how can I waste the next five years of my life being miserable about those five months that were only stepping stones?

Resentment is a choice. You just have to realize it. And you need to realize that the health food store don't carry it, just because it ain't healthy. It's poison.

So I think it's perfect for this time of year. Pesach is about letting go- becoming free. But really, the key to most freedoms in this world lies within us. So let's decide to let go this year. Smile, and make the world wonder what you're up to.

If I don't get to the blog again before Pesach -have a kosher'n freylichen yom tov everyone!

And I should have prayed for Moshiach earlier, turns out Hashem was listening. HB JUST started wailing- like she was waiting for the end of my post. :-)

Purim in the Bronx (Zoo)

My kids dressed up as animals yesterday (JB was a kangaroo and HB was a bear) so this is the poem I wrote to hand out with our shalach manos...

Back in Shushan many years ago

Bee-gan the tail I now recall,

When Achashveirosh made a mishteh

For nobles, and pheasants, his subjects all.

He was proud as a peacock

Of the riches he possessed,

And he couldn’t wait to show off Vashti,

His deer queen to all the rest.

But Vashti was acting catty,

She couldn’t bear the way she looked.

The king got annoyed at her otter disrespect,

And decided her goose was cooked.

But then Achashveirosh was sheepish

When he realized he had caused a scene.

And so he sent out announcers throughout the streets,

“Hare ye! We’re looking for a new queen!”

Hagai was a man with a porpoise,

He was the cardinal royal beautician,

He was ticked when Esther ignored his help,

And heron in became a man with a mission.

But Esther didn’t need any of it,

People used to crane their necks when they spider.

The other girls got crabby and thought she was a cheetah,

But as queen, no one could fight her.

Of course her identity as a Jewish girl,

Was kept quiet at a mouse

The mystery was like an elephant in the room,

But the king still made her queen of the house.

Bigsan and Seresh planned to kill the monarch,

But by Mordechai were overheard

He stopped the sly foxes from using snake venom on the king,

And watched the traitors hung up with the birds.

The court squirreled out of Mordechai’s reward

Even though he was Esther’s relation,

Because Haman came in raven about a new plan,

And it created quite a sensation.

“Please don’t be chicken” he said to the king,
“Owl take care of it all, you know.

Just please let me kill all the Jews in your kingdom!”

And Achashveirosh said, “Llama lo?”

Mordechai told Esther about this fishy plan

And asked her to have something arranged.

She told the Yidden to fast for three days

And she’d see if the king’s tuna could be changed.

She went in to the king bone tired and thin,

Cowering with fear,

But he sent out his seal and nodded to her

And said he was ready to hare.

Esther ducked her head shyly and quietly asked,

If he’d come to her for a spell.

She’d serve lamb and turkey and other nice things.

And said Haman was invited as well.

That night dressed in her most beautiful boa

Esther asked the king if it was alright

If she hosted another party,

“Bear with me one more night.”

Later Haman went running back to Achashveirosh

Even though he was in pajamas and crocs,

His head was so abuzz with the plans that he had

He ran in and forgot to knock.

The king was sitting up in his own comfy mules,

He had a dilemur he was mooseing over you see.

He needed to honor Mordechai,

But Haman thought, “Whale, he must mean me!”

So though Haman plotted to kill the Tzaddik,

He ended up leading Mordechai’s horse instead.

He crowed to the streets about what a fine man he was.

And his own daughter dumped a pigsty on his head!

He wished he could bow out of Esther’s gathering that night,

His day had gone to the dogs anyway.

But he was told to furget that plan,

And hurry over to the palace without delay.

At the party Esther whaled on him,

By crying to the king about Haman the shark,

The king hawkishly sentenced him to death on the spot,

“Get him out of my sight!” He barked.

“I’m sorry I exposed him for lion and cheatin’”

Esther apologized as Haman and his family hung,

(Along his wife Zeresh and his son Dolphin,)

But the king said “Don’t worry about that skunk.”

We Jews are not Man o’ war,

But we won a battle then,

It was our victory over Amalek

We roared our thanks to Hashem.

Today its years and years later,

And we still don’t let anything bug us in this special time,

We carry our feathers in our caps.

Cos we’re proud of our heritage so fine!

Pigeon to make this the best Purim ever

By keeping happy but careful too,

Make sure to stay safe, act like mentchen, not chayos,

Even though Purim can feel like a zoo!

A Freilichen Purim!

B'simcha!

JB dancing his head off. Taking a break from dancing on MY head...

Sharing Simchos!

We were due three days apart but our little girls ended up with a 19 day gap between their birthdays.

My friend "Michal" from my book just gave birth to a playmate for HB this morning! She sounds great even though she's not resting up enough (I am one to talk because I am three weeks down the road and know what she's about to face...) and she's just thrilled to be a mommy.

Her daughter is making up for the 19 day gap by weighing more at birth than HB does at almost three weeks old, so I just know they'll be great friends with a lot in common.

I should really add some of these last posts as a P.S. in the book now that Miracle Ride is going into its third printing. :-). People keep asking me for updates on all the characters in the book- and B"H there's been a lot of happy stuff going on for us.

May we only share simchos!

Small Steps

Taking life day by day gets easier when you remember to appreciate the small things. :-) And it gets better when you remember to smile. Oh, and take lots of cute pictures. :-)

Of Life and Linen

And Real Life goes on!

Taking it day by day is easier than it sounds. Especially when the last few days have been full of unexpected surprises.

Before this baby came I prepared like crazy- made suppers and froze them, stocked my pantry, prepared the baby room and gear from JB, all that fun stuff. So I wasn't worried about bringing JB back home less than two weeks after HB was born because I knew I could manage.

What I didn't know was...

-JB would cry himself to sleep the first two nights home because he lost his pacifier and because he missed being at his grandparents' house.

-Late Sunday night my boiler was going to conk out on me.

-HB was going to cry all Sunday night.

-HB was going to wake up JB at 6am.

-We would have to spend all Monday at my parents house for the heat.

-The plumber wouldn't be able to fix my boiler.

-There would be no one to call for emergency service because of President's Day.

-I was going to go back home with two electric heaters.

-...That would stop working at 11pm.

-HB was going to wake up for her feeding at precisely the time that JB vomited all over his crib.

-JB was going to puke all over my husband's bed while I was washing his linen.

-HB was going to cry while I did three more laods of laundry and JB threw up on my floor.

-I was going to be listening to Mrs. Himmelstein invite Mrs. Pitkin to her nephew Lemel's bar mitzvah at 4am. (Shmuel Kunda- JB likes to fall asleep to it.)

-I was going to be woken at 6 again for a feeding.

-JB was going to wake me up at 7.

-JB was not finished throwing up.

-JB was STILL not finished throwing up.

-HB was going to wake up while JB decided to throw up AGAIN.

-They were both going to finally fall asleep on stripped cribs and beds and I would be stuck in my freezing house still in pajamas at 1:20 pm wanting to go for a nap, but waiting for my linen to come out of the dryer...

Ah, real life. Feels wonderful to be normal again.

If anyone sees a squishy pink thing laying around or maybe even strolling the streets, I seem to have lost my mind some time ago. I'd like it back. :-)

Back to Real Life

So, HB is almost two weeks old and JB is back home with me and life goes back to normal. Except it's not really back to normal for me because I've never experienced life with two babies. So this is more like a brand new major adjustment period rather than regular life.

I remember feeling something like this after I finished chemo. It was like getting used to life all over again. It was so confusing and scary and maybe even a little depressing at times when I realized that my old life was never coming back. That as much as I grew and gained from my experiences, I still missed a part of whom I was before but I could never go back.

From what I've heard, lots of cancer patients feel that way after getting better. The whole time they were sick they couldn't wait to be back in the real world, get back to their real lives, but when they finally got out there again they discovered that the real world didn't wait. It moved on without them. And their real lives? All of a sudden they have to reassess what that even means.

All day today I was battling some New Mommy Blues , fighting it back as I had my first regular "back to normal" day. I took my kids (feels so funny to say that! My Kids :-) ) to Toys R Us for some baby gear and for a butt-day present for JB. There were a load of screaming monsters all over the place and my son wasted no time exercising his lungs too.

I thought I would go out of my mind or at the very least have a screaming fit as well.

In the end, we left with JB's present of choice- a big 15" ball that cost all of $2.16 (may all his future wants and needs hurt my pocket no more than this did) and with a splitting headache.

I felt like crying all through the afternoon when HB made through three pampers and two undershirts in a row and then through the bath that JB refused to take and then through bedtime which JB and HB cried themselves blue and where I ran from one to the other until JB cried himself to sleep (he lost his pacifier last night at his grandfather's house) and until HB had her bath and spit up some more formula on her (used to be) clean (ten minutes ago) stretchie, and conked out as well.

I feel bratty about this- like I should be so thankful that I have this wonderful family but instead I'm just wishing to go back to two weeks ago when I was in charge (mostly) of my hormones and to when I could sleep 8 hours (if I took Tylenol for the lower back pain) a night, and to when I had an excuse not to wear heels on Shabbos.

I felt bratty after chemo too- I knew I had to be thrilled that I was well again, but it took a long time until I got settled enough to be able to look back and appreciate it. Those first few months were awful. Yes, I got engaged and married in those months, but daily life was hard. I struggled to get used to the world where it was when I rejoined it. And it was hard after having missed out so much.

So even though some will say that I'm just hormonal (just not in front of my husband please, he hates that word...) and I have no qualms about agreeing with you there- I will also say that I am adjusting. And that adjusting is just as hard as dealing with mood swings. And that adjusting WITH mood swings is harder. And that adjusting with mood swings AND sleepless nights is a killer. So bear with me world. I'm catching up as fast as I can.

But I'm learning. Or at least remembering. That the great things in our lives come at some sort of price. But not in a bad way. Just in a way that makes us appreciate them even more once we get past the rough spots.

One day down, and we'll keep doing it one day at a time.

Or one night at a time- kids are sleeping finally, so that's my cue. Mommies of newborns are allowed to go to bed before ten p.m. It's the only way they stay sane. Or at least partly so.

The Name

I might as well start from the beginning if I'm already going to tell you my daughter's name.

We'll start with JB.

JB of course is only a nickname. When he was born he was so tiny that we joked he looked like a jellybean all curled up in a little ball. So we called him JB for a week until his bris and the name kind of stuck.

But his real name is Shimon. For R' Shimon bar Yochai. He was not born Lag Ba'omer time- JB's birthday is actually this Shabbos, but my husband's grandfather was named for R' Shimon and he requested that anyone named after him should never add a second name because it wasn't his name to pass on- it belonged to R' Shimon. So JB in his other offline life is also called Shimi. Or Monster. Or Stinker. Or cutie-patutey. Or if he's really misbehaving, SHIMON HALEVI "CATON"!!!!!

JR's name is Hadassah Bracha.

Hadassah is for my great grandmother whose real name was Esther Malka. We couldn't give Esther Malka because we already have another family member by that name. So because of the Purim story where Esther HaMalka is also called Hadassah, we chose to remember her by that name instead.

Bracha is her second name and it's after the woman my great grandfather married when Esther Malka was niftar. She was a quiet person, a very special soul, who never had any children of her own. I felt very strongly about giving my daughter her name because she was such a fine person and because she deserved to be remembered even though she had none of her own children and grandchildren to pass on her name.

Another reason I felt strongly about the name Bracha is because of the timing that my daughter was born. 5 years and 5 days off chemo- a week into my life out of remission. She's really a bracha to me at this time- just a sign that my life is going so well, and that every day that I am well and the fact that I have a husband and two beautiful kids is a gift from Hashem.

So there you go- another big peek into Tzipi Caton's personal life...

And for the poster who asked why I never put up pictures of my husband- Well he's shy. And because he agreed to be MY husband, not Tzipi Caton's. So I need to respect that this is my story that I chose to tell, not his. But I'll tell him he's being asked after- I know he'll get a kick out of it.

Meet JR!

Five years may have passed, but I still hate hospitals, so I'm home a little bit early and back with pictures to show you all.

They're not especially great, but that's what having a new baby is about- a bunch of messy pictures taken by overwhelmed husbands and excited grandmas.

So Jellyring (no name until Shabbos) weighed 6lbs 6oz (2 oz more than JB) and came in an inch shorter than him at 18".

She's so far really cute and quiet and lovable and I'm really looking forward to getting to know her and being her mommy.

JB is thrilled with her. He keeps trying to give her a pacifier and a bottle and was very taken with her little fingers. He giggled when she cried, he thought it was hilarious that something so tiny can squeak. It's his birthday this week and he is sure that Mommy and Tatty bought him this baby as a "Butt-Day" present.

Wait till he finds out that this present can't just go back in the toy bin when he's bored of it!

Thanks everyone for the Mazal Tov wishes! IY"H simchos by all of us!

Adding to the Nosh Cabinet....

Not a very well written post but a good one still...

We get a mazal tov!

JB has a sibling- a little baby sister. We'll call her JellyRing for now, JR for short.

Details will come when I get home and can post from something other than a BlackBerry.

IY"H only oif simchas by all of us!

Because I Can and so I Did

Tonight I let my son stay up late and we played together. Just because I like to hear him laugh and because I'm grateful that he's here with me and because Mommies can push off bedtimes if they want to because I can and so I did.

Tonight I baked a cake and I just took it out of the oven and it smells delicious. Just because I was in the mood and because I know it will make my husband smile and because I had too much cocoa sitting in my pantry and because I can and so I did.

Tonight I took a sponge and crawled up on the counter to clean in the corners behind my sink. Just because they were dusty and because I wanted them clean and because I like climbing onto countertops and because I can and so I did.

Tonight I washed the floors with Mr Clean and now my house is spotless. Just because I like the smell of lemons and because the smell also reminds me of Fruity Pebbles cereal and because the floors were dirty and because I can and so I did.

Tonight I spent an hour schmoozing to my friend and we caught up. Just because I missed her and because I'm lucky to have her and because there's no one to tell me not to hog the phone lines anymore and because I can and so I did.

Tonight I am going to read a book and skip pages if I want to. Just because I want to read the funny parts and laugh a little and because no one is here to tell me that I can't read a book in mixed up order and because I can and so I will.

Tonight is the first night of the rest of my life. Just because tonight is five years since my last day of chemo and because tonight my status changes to become that of a regular person who has the same chances of getting sick like someone who was never sick before and because tonight my period of remission ends.

Tonight is special just because I say it is and because I have this night that's just another great night with nothing else to worry about and because I have a night that's just full of me doing stuff because I'm healthy and capable and willing and because I can and so I do!

Five years ago they told me that chemo is over and that I can have a great life, and tonight, just a regular night, I know it's true. They said I can, and I know I do.

Just for Cuteness

My family and I went back to Hackensack (the hospital where I was treated) for their Chanukah party and my son, (whom I dressed up to show off) decided he wasn't interested and took a leisurely nap on a table. My little monster. :)

Just thought I'd share now that I finally got the pics onto the computer.

EDIT: The other pictures were added after some commentor couldn't understand why I call him a monster. He's my yummy monster, devilishly cute.

(Note ketchup stains around mouth...)

(As I was running to bentch licht my son was taking care of setting the table)

(Note some more ketchup stains around mouth.)

(Nothing tastes as as good as biting into a WHOLE tomato.)

(Taking time to smell the flowers.)

(Trying out his new fluffy slippers.)

Denomination Doesn't Determine Destiny

Here comes part two of my second to last post.

So I got to thinking, I don't double cover my sheitel even though I'm Chassidish, my Yemenite best friend isn't required to have a middle name like Mazal, and my Litvish friends don't all wear denim. It's weird how silly little things get stereotyped and people come to expect them.

But that's not my main point.

My thought was, after I was mistaken for being S'fardi, that as much as we stereotype other people, we also tend to exclude and try to elevate ourselves to a level above them.

There have been times where I've felt that people looked down at me for having been sick- like I chose it, or like it's something that only people who are "like me" (whatever my group may be) can get. People just assume that these bad things don't happen to them.

Whenever we hear about an accident or get another tehillim name forwarded on our email accounts, or find out about another young person who passed away, we sort of all say "nebech", forward the bad news further, say a perek or tehillim (or not) and then move on.

We kind of forget that these names are real people and that they are people like us. We tend to think that they belong to some "other" group, that live in some "other" universe, that lead "other" lives that don't pertain to us.

We're all guilty of it- I do it all the time.

Part of it is because we are desensitized. Unfortunately, there is so much bad news and we hear it so often, that it loses the dramatic impact it should have on us. But I think a bigger part of it is how disconnected we feel and allow ourselves to feel from each other.

And even those of us who aren't judging people that are different- and most of us don't- we still do think of others as being "not like us". When we read the terrible headlines we automatically say "Oh, but these things don't happen to people like me."

We hear about an Israeli soldier who was killed on the front lines the other day and the first questiona are "Was he frum? Ashkenaz?" etc. Does it matter? He was Jewish. He was one of ours.

I wrote in a post ages ago where a lady at a job interview told me quite bluntly that she was shocked that I was married because she would never let her son marry a cancer survivor. She made it sound like I was born into a coven of little monsters that were all fated to live through some horrible illness at the age of 16. I was the outcast, the different one, because things like cancer just didn't happen to people like her and her precious son.

And I sure hope they don't! I hope she and her son and her family are all well and never have to go through any tza'ar, but still- who told her that she's immune?

And when I heard about those ladies talking about me at the RCCS event, I had to wonder- do they feel better about themselves thinking that I am S'fardi? Did they go home relieved that something like cancer couldn't happen to them because it was only something that happened to "people like her"?

There is no real answer or solution to this that I can think of off the bat except for really trying to internalize the message- "Kol Yisrael Areivim Zeh Lazah." We are all responsible for each other and we are all interconnected and part of one whole. "Ke'ish Echad B'lev Echad."

I think that this is even sadder than judging other people because when we judge we single someone (or a group) out and put them down. But when we assume that certain things only happen to certain people, we are taking OURSELVES out of the whole. We are choosing to separate ourselves as individuals from the K'lall that we should all feel so privileged to belong to.

So the next time you meet or hear about someone who needs your help- see them that way. As a Someone. As a Person. As a Jew. Forget about the denomination, because in the end, we all share the same Destiny.

May our ultimate destiny be fulfilled very soon! Bimheira V'yameinu Amein!

TzipiCaton.com

I know I promised to give you part two of last post, but this is more exciting so it's coming first:

First of all here's a comment posted by LadyD from RCCS that I'm going to put up as a post because I don't want you to miss it:

Tzipi's slides and interview on DVD are availabe for sale ($12)through RCCS. Please call 718-722-2002 ex:0 to request one.

Edited DVD of slides/interview/speech/Reb. Swerdlov will be available shortly for $18.

Thanks for the interests

Next....

I HAVE A WEBSITE!!!!!! It's not finished and still pretty raw, but it's up and running and working and I'm so proud of it even though (like my scrapbook) my mother did most of it...

I'm going to have to try and figure out how to connect my blog and my website so that people can see both because dont worry- I'm not giving this up just yet. The blog is for my writing and the website is more for me as an author with my bio and work and whatever.

Check it out and let me know what you think!

http://tzipicaton.com/

Determining my Denomination

Funny story, with a lesson. It's long, well, not very, but long enough that I have no patience writing it all down at once, so I will divide it up into two parts. Story today, lesson next time.

Two weeks ago, at the RCCS auction in Williamsburg, my aunt's niece (no, not my cousin- her niece from the other side...) was sitting with her friends towards the back of the audience.

She and her friends are high school girls who read my book and liked it (I would say loved it but that would make me sound big headed...) and were discussing it as they were waiting for my segment of the evening to come up.

Then the lights dimmed and the huge screens lit up with the slideshow. People got quiet in order to watch and listen and so this aunt's niece was able to clearly hear two ladies talking behind her.

They were discussing who Tzipi Caton was and where she was from and who raised her and who cut her sheitels and did her dry cleaning. I may be mixing things up, but you get the gist.

One lady decided that despite certain words I pronounce with a Chassidish havarah; I was definitely not "one of theirs". The other one, despite the picture of myself and my bearded, Chassidish husband at our engagement, decided that I must be from out of town, maybe from the country of Flatbush. Then the first one agreed, saying that despite my light skin and freckles, with my dark sheitel, I must be Sephardic. The second one was quick to nod and remind her that despite it being a known pen-name, the name Caton was a dead giveaway to my Morrocan/ Yemenite/ Marrano/ Mexican/ and not to forget, Chinese heritage.

My aunt's niece, by then laughing hard enough to cause those two ladies to "shush" at her because she was disrupting their disruption of the slideshow, turned around to tell them that I was a from a moderate Chassidish home, was born, raised, live, and will probably be buried within the same two block radius in Brooklyn, was from the most Polish of backgrounds possible and that my real name was common and normal enough to rival whatever theirs may have been.

The ladies looked at her funny and she told them, "Listen, I know her, we share an aunt."

And one lady, (I think it was lady number two) blinked slowly and asked her if that was my Sephardi aunt or if she was from the Chassidish side of the family....

So that's the story. Personally, I find it funny, but my mother had a good lesson to go with it. You know I am never one to pass up a good opportunity to stand on my virtual soapbox, so I will be back with the rest soon enough!

RCCS DVDs!

Just got an email from LadyD at RCCS who said that they are now selling copies of my slideshow (well, not mine, cos I didn't make it, but mine cos it's of me and my scrapbook) for $12 apiece.

It's worth it I think because the money is going to a worthy cause and because it's of ME! And it's so much better than an autograph... I mean, what's my handwriting compared to my face and voice and pictures of me in hospital gowns?

AND...They are also putting together a DVD of the slideshow PLUS my speech, PLUS Reb. Miriam Swerlov's speech PLUS Reb. Lubin's speech. That one will be sold for $18, and I'll make sure to post when it is available.

If anyone is interested in a copy, call the RCCS office at 718-722-2002.

Appreciating Miracles

When do Miracles begin?

I mean, at what point during a Miracle does it happen that we all wake up and realize that it's going on right in front of our eyes?

Chanukah is a time most of us ask these kinds of questions. We can so easily see all the nissim that took place in the Chanukah story but that's because we're looking back at it, years and years later.

When did people start exclaiming, "It's a miracle!!!"? When they found the oil? When it burned for 8 days? When they defeated the Greeks? When Yehudis brought back Eliporni's head? All of the above?

There were so many miracles of Chanukah, I have to wonder if each and every one was noticed and appreciated when it took place, or if it was only seen in hindsight.

Yesterday my miracle began with my son vomiting all over our car. We're talking serious stuff. Like his throw up landing on the windshield all the way from his car seat in the back.

His new coat, his pants, his car seat, his teddy bear, everything was covered.

We were on the way to an appointment and couldn't turn back so we had to strip my kid in the parking lot of random store and wrap him in a fuzzy blanket for the rest of the time. I had to sit in the back with him in my lap, praying that he didn't throw up again and that I wouldn't either.

For the rest of the day I was busy bathing him, washing his stinky stuff, feeding him, cuddling with him, and asking him how his tummy was doing.

Later at night he refused to go to sleep, he only wanted to sit with me and cuddle while I read a book. He was talking away, telling me the kind of warbled stories and thoughts that can only exist in the head of an almost two year old.

When he fell asleep I put him in his crib, covered him up to his chin, gave him a kiss and went on to do everything else that a Mommy has to do before she goes to sleep herself.

I walked into the dining room to close the shades now that the Menorah had finished burning, and realized that it was the third night of Chanukah- exactly five years to the day that I met my husband. Seems like ages ago that I met him in pajamas with a huge mask covering my face, but it wasn't, it was only five years ago.

Five years ago it seemed like I was at my worst- like things were never going to get better. Like I was never going to have hair again, never going to finish treatments, never going to get out of the dark.

But then, at a most unexpected time, my miracle began. I met my husband. None of us knew at the time where that meeting would being us five years later, but looking back, I can definitely say that was the start of my miracle.

Or maybe it wasn't.

Maybe it started when I got sick. Because if I hadn't then I never would have become close to my teacher and my father would never have met her and never considered setting her up with the man who later became my husband.

Or maybe it started when my husband caught a ride home from Shul one Motzai Shabbos with my mother years and years ago. My mother always drives over to pick my father up from Shul and gives rides to the men who are on the way home. Once, a million years ago, my husband got a ride with my parents and it was actually my mother, not my father who thought of my husband when she met my teacher.

Who knows when that miracle began. Maybe it began before we were born.

No, not maybe. I don't doubt it. Because looking back, it's obvious that it was all planned. And it must have been planned way in advance seeing how far back and how many conditions had to be met in order for us to meet and marry each other.

So yesterday, my miracle began when my son threw up. I don't really know what the miracle was or is or will turn out to be, but I decided that I might as well appreciate it.

After all, it led to a day full of cuddles and coziness and warmth and joy and a lot of appreciation for where I am five years to the day I met my husband. Every day is a miracle- even when it's not something definite, something we can pinpoint and put our fingers on, it's still part of a much larger plan that will bring us to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure when I'll be looking back at my life and recognize a Nes years after it took place. If I can somehow find a way to appreciate every part of every day, every second that might be the building block to a bigger, more special moment in time, why not start now?

So my miracle yesterday started with throw up... Hey, anythings' possible!

May we all be zoche to experience miracles and appreciate them for what they are.

Two down and one to go!

First of all- a *wave* and a *smiley* for all of the blog readers I met last night. It was so much fun to meet some of the people who spend some time each morning when the boss isn't looking to read my updates.

LadyD- What time are you posting comments? Where do you get your energy? I can barely keep my head up.

And about what I wore- it was the same outfit that I wore on the film and I was nervous that people were going to notice and say something and guess what- the first thing I heard as soon as the film ended and the spotlight shone on me standing on stage, was some ladies in the front saying, "Oh look! She's wearing the same thing like on the slide! It looks like she stepped right out of it!"

So I guess it was not a problem. :-)

One more to go, Lakewood tonight! I guess I can't get away with wearing the same thing tonight again... gotta start obsessing. :-)

It's Tonight!

Well the RCCS party in Williamsburg is.

I am so excited and nervous to be there. But more excited I think. :-) You know I'm going to stress all day about what to wear so please compliment me on whatever I chose when you see me tonight. LOL

Seriously, RCCS just emailed me the slideshow production - they already showed it last night in Monsey but I didn't get to see it till about half an hour ago.

It's STUNNING. And not just because my makeup is good.

Actually, I look kind of nervous and I'm talking too fast and you can see how red my face is (It was a mix of my blushing and heat from the camera lights) but still, it's worth seeing.

I can't post it here , at least not now, but I am amazed at how well it was done and how good it looks and everything.

I know, I'm rambling, but really, Wow.

The slideshow was done by On Time productions, their website is www.ontimeprovideo.com. They were so easy to work with when they filmed me for the interview and the job they did on the final product is awesome. Check them out!

I hope to see some of you there tonight- I don't speak until very late, I'm kind of at the end of the program- they're trying to entice people to stay as late as possible to hear me, but it would be nice even if you came and left before I got up to speak- you hear enough of what I have to say here anyway. :-)

Rofeh Cholim Cancer Society

I might have mentioned in an earlier post that I was booked for the Chinese Auction season this December. At the time I didn't want to give out particulars because it was not my party and I didn't feel it was right to spill everything before they even advertised.

But now it's out and if you didn't get the auction books already, I'll be speaking at the upcoming RCCS functions in Williamsburg's Rose Castle on Tuesday Dec 16, and then in Lakewood (not sure what hall) Wednesday, Dec 17.

It would be really nice to meet some of my blog readers so if you decide to come I'd love to meet you!

I'm really excited to be speaking about the book especially to benefit RCCS. They're such an amazing organization that helps so many people, myself included. They were the ones who pushed me to meet Dr. Harris whom I was treated by, and they had advice for us whenever we we needed it. They pay insurance and take care of all those small confusing details for people who are not able to do so themselves, and I think that anyone who is looking for a worthy cause to give to doesn't have to look any further.

I spoke for one of their functions last night and it was a beautiful event- so if hearing me speak is not enough to get you to come, let me bribe you with yummy food, beautiful setup and the greatest hosts/organizers an event can have. Oh! And the prizes are worth putting your tickets in for too!

Added a little later...commentor number 5 just gave another reason for all of you to be there... RCCS will IY"H be showing a stunning slideshow of my SCRAPBOOK!!! So all of you who read about it and wanted to see it- RCCS has it on film together with an interview we did so you get to hear me speak a little on the film while seeing some pages of the scrapbook my mother put together for me when I was undergoing treatment. RCCS put it together- it was their idea, and they included some pictures of me as a kid and of my son JB. I can't believe I forgot to mention that earlier!

Hope to see some of you there!

For more info, visit www.rccsauction.org