Be Right With You!

I'm so sorry for keeping my readers waiting, but Boruch Hashem we're busy busy busy on this side of the world.

We've had some simchas and lots of nachas from JB (he learned to flush the toilet himself!!) and lots of pressure and work and everyday life taking up most of my time.

I have at least three posts waiting to go up and in the drafting stage but I'm kinda still too busy to really get them posted.

I want to thank the readers who emailed and contributed to the posts I plan on putting up soon and if anyone else would like for me to write about something specific- please let me know!

Just forgive me for being so slow. I have a life (or try to) outside of this blog!

Be right with you!

An Ocean Away

I have a friend who was just recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's, just like what I had. We were talking and she was venting as I was reminiscing and we ended up talking about our friends and how they reacted to our illness.

Both myself and my friend are into chessed and we totally appreciate those people who want to be there for others and do all they can to help out. The problem is that most people don't know how to help out.

The desire is there, but the methods are completely wrong.

To go into what people would need to do to shape up is pretty much a repeat of what I've been posting my entire blog-

-Don't pretend you're best friends with the person if you didn't know her name before last week

-Don't come over uninvited or push offers on the people you never had anything to do with before

-Don't call and leave a zillion messages for the choleh- chances are she heard the first one and will either call you back when she feels like it or never...

-Don't become best friends with their sisters just to say that you have a CLOSE relationship to the family...

There are so many Don'ts running through my head right now but the more I write the more ridiculous they all sound. But the problem is that these Don'ts happen all the time.

Why is it that my friend is so glad that her friends are all married and live in Lakewood or Israel or really far away, and that they can't come over and bug her even if they wanted to?

My friend knows that these girls who call 100 times a night only want to do chessed, but yet, the way they go about it is enough to make her glad that some of them are an ocean away.

We both feel that it's so sad.

There are people out there who really do want to do good- they just don't know how.

My friend was saying that she would love to tell them how, but some people just don't want to listen. I think that's worse than anything.

Being mevaker choleh is to do what's good for the patient. If she's trying to tell you what's good for her, but you decide you know better, what good is that?

I hated to tell her that she'd probably come out of this illness thinking very differently about some people she'd never had an opinion about before. Instead of leaving well enough alone, I find that some people insist on putting themselves out there and making things so annoying and bothersome for the patient.

A simple card would say so much without all the bother.

I'm not trying to be negative. Not at all. I have friends and students who are always telling me that they want to volunteer for chessed programs and things, and I think that is so beautiful. I just wish more people would know what it's like from the other point of view, from the side receiving the chessed.

I have to commend the people I've met who really took the time to understand and listen to what the patent's needs really were, they were able to read between the lines and weren't the girls that my mother had to lie to and say that I was sleeping, or on the other line, or overnight in the hospital, or that I was in Florida for the month... in order for them to stop calling.

It's really hard for one to know the rules of the game and where to toe the line, but I think that with a little more sensitivity and a little less excitement to do what THEY feel is the RIGHT thing, we'd all be much better off.

And for the girl that I was supposed to "break up the night with" -This post is for you!

Why Bother?

I have a friend who was sick at about the same time that I was. She reads this blog every so often and said she didn't mind if I put her incident up on here.

Towards the end of her treatments, the doctors found another small tumor that they weren't sure what to do with. My friend and her family were scared stiff until she finally heard that all she would need was a small minimally invasive surgery to get it all out and never hear about it again.

Her only side effect would be some minor discomfort- which we have already established, means severe pain for three or four days. It was no big deal after all she'd been through over the past year, but like anyone, she and her family were nervous, scared, and worried before the big day.

A day before her surgery, she met the mother of a fellow patient in a shop and as things go between cancer patients/affiliates, they began talking about how she was doing and how this lady's daughter was.

The woman asked how things were and my friend told her that things were so/so and that all she could do was daven and have emunah and trust that everything would be okay.

The lady asked my friend why she bothered.

My friend was shocked. Obviously, so am I, which is why this is going up on my blog.

WHY BOTHER????

I can only believe that this woman's daughter was very ill and she felt so lost and had no direction and felt too hopeless to give her hopes to a greater power. I feel sorry if that is the case.

But why bother?!

Tefilla has been our connection to Hashem all through the ages! Even if not text-book davening, but just a short phrase of "Thank you", a bracha, an "oh please G-d, don't do this to me!" We pray all the time.

I remember a sixth grade teacher once opened her Chumash to the right page without trying. She just held the book loosely in her hands and it fell open to the posuk we were learning that day.

She looked up and said clearly, "Thank you Hashem!"

We were all laughing at her until she explained to us that if we can beg Hashem for good things, why can't we thank him? Even for the little things. It was a chessed to her that her page was the right one and that she didn't have to flip around until she found it.

That really hit home. Since then Hashem has always seemed approachable. Like I was allowed to talk to him and say please and thank you and it didn't have to be from the siddur. It could be from me.

When I was sick, I didn't have the strength to daven each day, but I always felt like I could ask for whatever I needed and say thank you too. Hashem was with me always. Even when I had my hard times in the beginning of that year, I still felt that He was there.

When I was sick, I appreciated so much the people who had me in mind during their tefillos. It meant to world to know that my name was being said and given over to a higher power. My recovery wasn't up to ME , it was up to HIM.

It was a nice feeling to leave someone else in charge. I worried- of course I did. But I also knew that I could ask and that He would listen.

My friend was shocked at this lady's response. Why bother???

Why bother?? Because Hashem WANTS you to bother! He wants to hear from you! He might not give you everything you want, but he wants you to bother otherwise he'd make life so good, you'd never need to bother.

And if you don't bother davening, what is it that you rely on? Who can you lean on when you cant' stand alone? It must be such a lonely feeling to think that there is no one out there who will listen when you call. And such a bad feeling to think that when you do call it wont be heard. So why bother?

You know what? Who knows? Who knows what His cheshbonos are? I don't. But I do know that when I bother, it gives me something to lean on and strength to go on.

It's like that poem I wrote in an earlier post- He's holding my Hand. That's exactly why I bother. Because I might not know where He's taking me, but I know that when I bother to hold his hand and believe that he'll lead me right- like a father to a child, life becomes so much more worth living.

That's why we bother.

Chocolate for Breakfast

I don't know why, but this kind of thing happens to me a lot.

Ever since chemo I never really regained my weight and so today I'm a petite, thin person. I wouldn't say I look emaciated, or even skinny, I like the term thin. I hardly think I'm TOO thin, but then again, there are some strange people out there.

I'll give you the most recent occurence:

I was dropping JB off at the babysitter's on the way to work and on the way out, bumped into a little old bubby walking down the block. She called out for me to stop and I waited with ants in my pants until she finally got to where I was standing. I was in a huge rush, with four other teachers waiting for me to drive them to school, and this bubby was taking her time...and mine.

She came over to me and asked me "Bubbale, did you eat breakfast this morning?

I thought I was going to lose my eyebrows in my hairline.

Bubby asked me how it was possible to stay so thin. She wanted to know if I ate.

I told her I had a chocolate bar for breakfast and was in the middle of eating a melting ice cream bar in the car. It was true. I was late and my ice cream was melting. I was getting nervous.

I could tell she wasnt' convinced my metabolism was that good, so she asked me again how I was so skinny.

I hate telling people who ask innocent (albeit nosy) questions that I had cancer, but some random stranger asking me about breakfast sort of asked for it. So I told her.

As if I weren't late enough, the lady started to give me brachos. Wishing me a helthy life and for me to gain weight and for all to be good.

At least some of the brachos worked, the healthy life part was where I got to work a minute late and no one said anything! She must have been really special because her second bracha cause me to gained four pounds over Rosh Hashana. Now lets hope all will be well. :)

Lotsa Hair, No Brains

Over Shabbos I had the privelege of meeting some really stupid and insensitive people.

I was at a kiddush in shul where I met up with quite a few women who were lugging babies like I was.

I never believe it when someone tells me that JB is cute. He's cute by my standards but that doesn't mean that everyone finds him adorable and that doesn't mean that anyone has to go out of their way to say something they don't really believe.

I have seen many ugly babies and have had to say my share of tactful comments, but if I'm not asked, I don't comment on kids I don't find cute.

I thought my theory was something most people understood for themselves and generally, people try to avoid saying things to protective mothers that will get them in trouble.

But this Shabbos I met someone who took the cake. She didn't go out of her way to say my kid was the CUTEST thing since peanut butter and jelly; instead, she made sure to tell me how uattractive she found his fuzzy-almost-bald head.

This was a mother who really had a gorgeous baby. Her kid was the perfect Gerber baby with blue eyes and blonde hair and the sailor outfit with the matching socks and booties and hat and Bugaboo carriage.

She was running around the place asking everyone if her baby wasn't the sweetest thing around.

When I spoke to her she took a look at my baby and said she just couldn't help but stare because she thought his bald head was so odd looking.

I thought she was insane and told her so. Most of the babies in my family are born baldish and to me a baby with a ton of hair is soooo weird.

She said she never saw such a thing and wanted to know if my husband or I had ever been bald. I told her that I had been bald up until I got married.

As soon as she realized I meant my stint with cancer, she told me that despite his bald head JB was MUCH cuter and way more advanced than her child.

I should have JB wear a sticker that says "Be nice to me, my mom had cancer!"

Is it just me or are people really that stupid when it comes to their kids?

I Wouldn't Marry Him Anyway

This isn't something that happened recently. This was a while back when I was still applying for teaching jobs.

It was a phone conversation with a very well known figure in the community's school system. This woman is in charge of most of the interviewing and hiring that happens with teachers here.

It's easiest to put it down the way it took place- as a dialogue, so here goes.

JACP: "Hey, I was given your number by _______, and was told you were the one to talk to regarding a teaching job for the coming September?"

HER: "Have you been to seminary?"

JACP: "Uh, no."

HER: "Well we only take girls who have been to seminary."

JACP: "But I got married right out of school so I didn't have the chance to even go to sem!"

HER: "What school did you graduate from?"

JACP: "______"

HER: "Oh, so did you have my friend _______ in 12th grade?"

JACP: "I didn't actually go to 12th grade. I graduated school at 16."

HER: "What? Why?"

JACP: "Because I was sick and I completed the whole high school curriculum while I was out being treated."

HER: "What were you sick with?"

JACP: "Hodgkin's."

HER: "What's that?"

JACP: "A type of cancer."

HER: "Don't say that word!! Poo poo poo!"

JACP: "Excuse me?"

HER: "That word is an ayin hara! Don't say it out loud!"

JACP: "I'm sorry; that word is a part of my life. I feel that by calling it Poo poo poo or spitting on the floor, you are putting down what I went through."

HER: "That word causes terrible things."

JACP: "In my opinion fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself."

HER: "That's YOUR opinion. The Rabbanim have said not to say that word."

JACP: "I'd like to have a talk with those rabbanim."

HER: "How old are you anyway?"

JACP: "Just seventeen"

HER: "And you expect me to give you a teaching job? What grades do you think a 17 year old can teach?"

JACP: "I'd like to teach any grade from 5th through 8th."

HER: "It's not going to happen. What makes you think you're qualified?"

JACP: "I have life experience. I'm married. I'm young and can identify with them. I graduated with top marks...What else do I need?"

HER: "Wait a minute. You were sick."

JACP: "So I said."

HER: "But you're married!"

JACP: "Uh yeah."

HER: "What's wrong with your husband? Is he divorced? Was he also sick? Why did he marry you?"

(It was a good thing this was a phone conversation. I would have strangled the woman in person.)

JACP: "My husband married me because it was bashert. Hashem put us together and that's the way it was meant to be."

HER: "But what's wrong with him?"

JACP: "What do you mean? Why does anything have to be wrong with him?"

HER: "Because a normal boy with a good background and from a good home doesn't just go and marry a girl who was sick with some life threatening disease."

JACP: "There's nothing wrong with my husband. He had struggles in his life as I've had mine and that made us stronger and better people and when the time came for us to meet it didn't matter what each of us had in our pasts, what mattered was where we were standing at that point in time, and as it happened, Hashem planned for us to be at the same place in life at the same time. What more can you possibly expect?"

HER: "But I would never let my son marry a girl who was sick!"

JACP: "But would you have a guarantee that your daughter in law won't ever get sick after her wedding? What? Do you think I was born with a stamp on my head that said 'I am going to have cancer--"

HER: "POO POO POO!!!!"


JACP: "-at age 16'? You think people know these things in advance?"

HER: "But still..."

JACP: "As a matter of fact, I am actually healthier than your son. I go to the doctor every few months and get scanned and have thorough checkups that your son will probably never get in his life. Every six months I get a clean bill of health. Can you son even say that he goes to the doctor every six months? Does he even know what's going on in his own body?"

HER: "So you can't control what happens later, but if I had the choice of having him marry a clean girl or a sick girl, I would never pick you!"

JACP: "That's just fine Mrs. ___________. Your son wouldn't be good enough for me anyway. See, I went through so much already that my neshama is cleaner, a little more elevated. My husband and I see the world a lot differently than most people do, and we are more than happy to be this way. Your son would never see eye to eye with me and I would never want to have to stoop to his level to see life the way he does. I'm so over that. I would never marry your son anyway"

(Besides for which, I'd never want her as a mom in law!)

The rest of the conversation was about getting the job I no longer wanted, so it's not important.

Just thought I'd share some stupidity.

I Know it Looks Like Dirt but it Isn't!

I went shopping for school stuff last week at a store in my neighborhood. Its the kind of variety store that sells anything from notebooks to Tshirts to pots and soap. I went for the notebooks.

I was standing in line waiting to pay with JB in one hand (He refused to sit in his carriage) and 4 notebooks in the other hand.

Don't ask why I need 4 notebooks. I don't. I just have this thing for notebooks. I love having a bunch of cool journals lying around with a sheaf of neat lined empty paper just waiting for me to doodle on.

I used to use notebooks to write my poems in when I was younger but ever since I got a laptop my handwriting is sort of extinct. But I still like notebooks and I have about 40 lying around my closet and every September time I buy some more.

Well to get back to what happened on line at the cashier:

There was this lady in front of me who was deciding if the Tshirts she was going to buy were tzniyus enough. She was debating the neckline on each and every one of them and I was wondering if she was ever going to pay and if I was ever going to make it home before JB had another tooth.

Finally, the lady noticed that I was wearing a Tshirt very similar to the one she was about to buy. She came over to inspect my neckline.

She walked around me a few times and finally told me that I had dirt on my neck. She LICKED her finger and was about to wipe it off when I told her I knew I had a dark line on my neck. It was a scar from that biopsy I had when I was ill.

She looked at it again and then asked me if the neckline of the particular Tshirt she was contemplating was okay. I told her that I knew that the necks were a bit too open because my sisters owned the same shirts and they had trouble with them.

She asked me why they fit me so perfectly.

So I told her that I had Hodgkin's a few years back and that my neck was slightly swollen and the Tshirt fit me perfectly.

I have no idea if my neck is swollen. It just seemed like a good thing to say at the time. The shirt probably shrunk in the wash for all I know.

The lady gave me a horrified look and took all her stuff and went over to the next cashier.

Maybe she thought I was contagious.

In any case, I got home right on time. JB cut his second tooth last night!

Blog Isn't Over!!!

Since my last post a few hours ago, I've gotten about 25 emails from people begging me not to stop my blog.

I never planned on it.

Let me clarify: The story of my struggle with the actual disease is pretty much over; that's true. But the reason I originally started my blog was so that I could vent about life after cancer- what it means to live with the disease always on your tail.

I had to put my story on here first, as background. It just took me over a year to get it all here. Now it's finally all on this blog and now I hopefully can continue writing about what I originally wanted to.

I found that when I was sick I got all the chizuk and help I needed. There were organizations prepared just for that. But then I found that after the illness is gone, there is a certain emotional strength one needs to carry on in life that isn't readily there.

I get the weirdest stories and comments all the time about my past, and really that's another reason this blog is here.

I know that there are so many people out there wanting to do chessed. It is amazing how good people are, and how much time and effort they are willing to give of themselves for others. I want to help too.

I want my blog to be an eye opener to people out there about how we, the other side feels. About the comments we get, the reactions we face, and the lives we live. I want to help you do your part, by telling you what it means to be a cancer survivor.

Up until now, my story was here for you to get to know me.

Now that you do, I want to take my blog further. I want to stop backdating my posts, and start posting in real time. Today. Cancer is 4 years in my past yet it is here with me always lurking in the background.

I want you to know what that's like.

Please continue to come back here as I fully plan to continue posting. Hodgkin's may be over, but my story sure isn't!